Work first, then love -- work is good, I'm getting heavy praise for honestly not that much effort?? I met with an old family friend who works on freshwater conservation this afternoon, I guess he needs a writer in a hurry? So maybe this summer will be MBA work and writing for them, and perhaps I won't do any academic/literary writing at all, or not so much. I'm really okay with that -- it's been good for me, transitionally, but the industry that runs parallel to the academic humanities seems infected with the same sickness that's imo overrunning academia -- the pay is shit, the treatment is shit, there's no stability, and it's acceptable to work your people hard without having their backs on anything. Two years ago, it felt important to keep my hand in, keep up on scholarship. Now? Fuckem.
Love. Love is good. Not effortless, and not perfect -- but it's kind of an amazing feeling, learning how to trust someone to have my back like this. I was never this vulnerable with my ex, never as open about my needs, and my god, it's really something, innit, this mutual support gig?
I'm feeling comfortable moving on milestones that I never wanted to share with my ex, even though it hasn't been so very long -- discussed sharing the main body of finances today, getting a joint acct together, and lord but that's something I never ever ever wanted to do with S. I'm not worried in the same way about D. spending out my money selfishly, because seeing me provided for is genuinely important to him -- in fact, I think he's going to be able to help me learn to spend money on myself, which is something I've never got the hang off. I've a pair of new shoes and two new dresses this spring, and am going out in pursuit of a new swimsuit as soon as my period's over -- and it's lovely nice to have new things as needed, really it is.
April was scary for me, because I was medically and financially -- and emotionally -- in a needier place than I had been over the winter, and it was frightening to subject the relationship to the test that S. failed so abjectly -- could I still have worth when not able to play Lady Bountiful? But I needn't have worried.
We're going camping this weekend, for the 1st -- it's just starting to be warm enough to sleep out, here, and he's been asking for a chance to convince me that his method will render sleeping out comfortable enough to make it nice to do. I'm willing to take it on faith.
Now, in 2017, 2 months after the inauguration of the Orange Man, people are starting to listen, and I am strangling on my own rage. I'd thought it would have felt vindicating -- but instead, I don't know how to speak civilly with people who are only now, when it is too late, becoming interested in looking toward the truth.
The absence of HRC from the conversation is a hole, a wound. Vladimir Putin attempted to destroy our republic because he was afraid of her, and wanted to punish her, and apparently enough of us shared those feelings that they were able to take her down.
(unrelatedly, take that, Jeff Sessions!)
-bowl of witch hazel and water
-bowl of blessed thistle and soil
-bowl with a feather and incense dust
-lit white candle
-candle dyed orange with cinnamon and turmeric, inscribed with his name
-Tower tarot card
earth, air, fire, water
And spirits of the ancestors
I call upon you
Donald J. Trump
So that his malignant works may fail utterly
That he may do no harm
To any human soul
Nor any tree
Bind him so that he shall not break our polity
Usurp our liberty
Or fill our minds with hate, confusion, fear, or despair
And bind, too,
All those who enable his wickedness
And those whose mouths speak his poisonous lies
bind all of them
As with chains of iron
Bind their malicious tongues
Strike down their towers of vanity
(invert Tower tarot card beneath the orange candle)
in my name
In the name of all who walk
Crawl, swim, or fly
Of all the trees, the forests,
Rivers and seas
In the name of Justice
Bind their tongues
Bind their works
Bind their wickedness
Bind them in chains
So mote it be! So mote it be! So mote it be!
Fandom: Kairos (O'Keefe) Series - Madeleine L'Engle
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Alex Murry/Kate Murry, Meg Murry/Calvin O'Keefe
Characters: Kate Murry, Alex Murry, Sandy Murry, Meg Murry | Meg O'Keefe, Calvin O'Keefe, Charles Wallace Murry
Additional Tags: post-A Wrinkle in Time, Reunion Sex, Married Couple, Feminist Themes, Loneliness, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
It had given her such a turn, the night before, when Charles Wallace's unusual guest had talked of the tesseract. Would all the wonders of the universe turn out to be horrors? Nevertheless, she turned from her abandoned hopeless writing back to the electron microscope, deliberately shaking off her brooding reverie to watch the unfolding patterns of the little lives of the sub-microscopic world a while longer.
Fandom: Metropolis: The Chase Suite - Janelle Monae
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Anthony Greendown/Cindi Mayweather
Characters: Cindi Mayweather, Anthony Greendown
Additional Tags: Philosophy, Euclid
“Yeah, but,” Cindi said, and her eyes were big and depthless, “you could take it in one of two ways.”
Cindi had come back to him from the abyss, and she'd come back with a message.
Even if they tell you so and it turns out bad, it doesn't mean they were right.
Trying to decide if I want to get serious about making plans for inauguration protests; dad's made some noise about DC, and if I pushed I could probably get that to happen, and I've got a standing invitation to stay with K. for protests in Madison if I want to drive up there. But I don't know if the payoff is worth the personal effort in this case; I find DT personally triggering, and I realized last night that I've actually been substituting Dubya's face for his when I read the news. Well, it's not like I didn't loathe Dubya enough for the both of them.
As last year, I hope to pub more fic that just the single annual yt work this year; I am hopeful but not making promises. Currently being worked on are Kairos Series and Prydain fic; there's Star Wars OT, BSG classic, and Earthsea fic stubs that I could imaginably finish. We shall see.
-politics. Dealing with it. Still calling/writing people and yelling, bc why not.
-work. I'm getting ready to talk to my new boss (!) about where I'm going to fit in this operation going forward, and I'm excited and nervous and thoughtful about the change. I guess I didn't write here about everything that's gone down irt this job over the last few months -- it turns out that auntie M. hurt herself badly while surfing in Mexico, and I ended up covering for her for over a month while she recovered in hospital, all during the busiest time of the year for the industry. So I'm feeling pretty confident about my position -- these people owe me, big time, for stepping in and saving their bacon. Because of the place my aunt holds in the company, I've been corresponding daily with the CEO/founder, the new owner, and the other managing directors, so I'm coming in at the very top -- and I get the vibe that they really like me, and that they want to make a place for me. Politically speaking, I don't like the industry but am good with the particular individuals; I was at my aunt's house for the election, so I know she was commiserating with the other managing directors about Trump's win. They're nice. They gave me a bonus 50$ amazon gift card for Christmas.
I feel like I could do the work for a while. I like the schedule; the company runs 24/365 on an international clock, so you don't really get days off, but you also don't work for that much time at a go, and things can almost always be moved around with relative ease to clear at least 6 hrs' time. It's a good solution to the problem of emotional exhaustion I've struggled with in doing shift work; I can almost always take a break if I need to, and I don't mind working all the time if I can stop to look after myself without undue bother or embarrassment. tbh I am also very aware that, for my aunt at least, the gig was a great pairing with starting a family; it works well with baby-care and housekeeping schedules, and can be done anywhere with a functional internet connection. A big goal is going to be either getting out from under my aunt in chain of command, or finding ways to safeguard my position; she's a doll, but she's a messy one, and I don't want to be left holding the bag any more than need be.
-reading. It's been Middlemarch all the way down the last week or so; I think it's a reaction to changes in my personal and professional life, the same way it was when I was doing a lot with Middlemarch at the end of my graduate career. I find that the book gives me 2 important permissions/affirmations: that it is all right to lean in to change, and that it is all right to have complicated feelings about even positive changes. I've been feeling noticeably more gentle toward Lydgate this time around, for whatever reason, and more tired with Celia. I continue to find Will Ladislaw an excellent romantic lead, and think the critics are all trippin.
-personal stuff. The thing with D. is continuing to be both delightful and intense; I suppose this is what happens when serious people get together. I'm feeling increasingly comfortable throwing around language like "my boyfriend" in public, which is nice. Fam has been super supportive; my sib gave an official seal of approval over the holiday, and my ma's been doing this adorable nervous awkward attempted reassurance dance that's a bit awful but also basically encouraging.
D's been going through an adjustment, too, I think. My analysis at present is that he'd given up thinking much about his own life trajectory/wants as a result of picking up the main caretaker role for his family during and after his father's death last year, and is now at the place in the process where his self is naturally reasserting itself and its independence. I think he's been feeling very old; but the same way that he's a connection for me back to childhood, I'm being a connection for him, and the new relationship is also becoming the beginning of renewed forward motion. I've been trying to get him to daydream a bit about what he wants to do next, but also trying to maintain distance/not micromanage him; I don't think he wants it, and tbh I don't want to do it.
He's been fucking great about my residual trauma issues; we seem to do best if I'm verbally direct and clear about what's going on and what I need from him, and tbh I'm p. good at doing that, as long as I know that it's safe to admit weakness -- which it really, really has been. I had a full freak-out/flashback/panic attack a few weeks ago, and it was scary for a minute bc it was the moment when the extent of my damage became clear. But he read the links I sent him on CPTSD, and I think it's gonna be ok.
M. is home, healing, and back at her desk; I'm going to have a steady flow from her for the next few weeks, and that conversation about my place in the larger org was brought up again by the boss last week. Mama had some emotional turbulence over the weekend in re: her family arglebargle, but seems to be coming through all right.
I am financially secure for the next few months, paying off the last of my auto loan by mid-Feb. at the latest, not sure exactly about what work will look like in the New Year but there seems to be plenty of it. Emotionally I'm a little bit out on a limb, but it hasn't broken yet and I guess this is okay?? I've been feeling odd in my skin, but am not sure if that's because I'm changing shape.
Today I paid bills and made calls. I need to do edits on my yuletide story. Watching Farscape, which is as emotionally challenging as ever. Listened to Anne's House of Dreams last week, got all fucked up over Leslie Moore's storyline. Called Rick Snyder's office to yell at him this morning, just on principle. Going to dinner with family in a few hours.
I don't think we'd be papering over anything really important. Some things were less than perfect, but they are completely overshadowed by the international movement toward conservative white nationalism that has been growing in the world and that has now taken root here. Our only significant fault, I contend, was goodwill and compassion toward our enemy, who seemed weakened and sad, but who is apparently still strong enough to be a dangerous threat. I do believe this.
I believe that Hillary Clinton was a good candidate, that it was overall a good primary and a good general, that we fought well and cleverly. We did not prevail, but I do not think that we should abandon the course. This is a time for tenacity, not transformation. We already are the ones we need, we just need to keep working, keep listening, and protect the vulnerable among us as much as we can from what's to come.
this isn't the letter that I thought I'd be writing you today. But I wanted to write you anyway, because your run was historic and important even without a victory at the end, and I want to honor that even as I start to brace for what may be coming.
It meant so much to me, getting to vote for you. I'm 30 years old, and I was a little girl when you were the First Lady - and, along with my mother, you were one of my models for what a woman could be and do, and for how much a woman could do to change the world. And yes, watching you fight against the forces of cultural conservatism back then was one of my first lessons in sexism, as I began to understand exactly how much resistance powerful women could expect to face as they did their work. Those forces won a battle last night, but they won't win the war - the arc of the universe will bend our way, I know it, if we continue to work hard and uphold the faith.
The women who won us our right to vote faced uncounted setbacks, up to and including violent attacks on their persons, and yet they were victorious in the end. The women of the 1980s and 90s, who fought for the right to wear pants in the workplace and to outlaw sexual harassment faced both losses and victories. So shall we do. One of the little girls who saw you running your exemplary, intelligent, organized, high-minded campaign will be inspired - or one of the little girls who saw you working as First Lady in just the same way - and will try again. Maybe the world will be ready for us by then. I'm sorry, terribly sorry, that it wasn't you, because you would have been brilliant. But our day will come.
Your legacy of decades of tireless work on behalf of women and children stands. Everything you gave us - the hope, the solidarity, the brief shining moment of a utopian vision of a better future where "Madame President" would have been a common utterance - stands. I cast two votes for you, in the primary and in the election, while wearing suffragette white, and no one can take that away from me. Madame Secretary, we have already made history.
Thank You. And I don't accept your apology, because I don't believe you did a single thing wrong.