lotesse: (Default)
Feeling frenetic -- and I know why; this is the thing I'm trying to learn about cycling down, and I'm not good at it yet.

M. is home, healing, and back at her desk; I'm going to have a steady flow from her for the next few weeks, and that conversation about my place in the larger org was brought up again by the boss last week. Mama had some emotional turbulence over the weekend in re: her family arglebargle, but seems to be coming through all right.

I am financially secure for the next few months, paying off the last of my auto loan by mid-Feb. at the latest, not sure exactly about what work will look like in the New Year but there seems to be plenty of it. Emotionally I'm a little bit out on a limb, but it hasn't broken yet and I guess this is okay?? I've been feeling odd in my skin, but am not sure if that's because I'm changing shape.

Today I paid bills and made calls. I need to do edits on my yuletide story. Watching Farscape, which is as emotionally challenging as ever. Listened to Anne's House of Dreams last week, got all fucked up over Leslie Moore's storyline. Called Rick Snyder's office to yell at him this morning, just on principle. Going to dinner with family in a few hours.
lotesse: (afrofuturist)
I do believe that the Democratic Party is strong and healthy. Our leadership are good and competent, we've successfully moved our platform left over the last decade, we're espousing the right values. We have a strong organization, and a strong sense of unity. I contend that it is an error, now, to start tearing ourselves up looking for the thing that we did wrong. I think we did most things right. We are going to have to adjust now to a new landscape, and it is not time for the SJ and economic leftists to squabble; if we'd won, maybe, but we didn't and now everyone is needed.

I don't think we'd be papering over anything really important. Some things were less than perfect, but they are completely overshadowed by the international movement toward conservative white nationalism that has been growing in the world and that has now taken root here. Our only significant fault, I contend, was goodwill and compassion toward our enemy, who seemed weakened and sad, but who is apparently still strong enough to be a dangerous threat. I do believe this.

I believe that Hillary Clinton was a good candidate, that it was overall a good primary and a good general, that we fought well and cleverly. We did not prevail, but I do not think that we should abandon the course. This is a time for tenacity, not transformation. We already are the ones we need, we just need to keep working, keep listening, and protect the vulnerable among us as much as we can from what's to come.
lotesse: (Default)
Dear Secretary Clinton,

this isn't the letter that I thought I'd be writing you today. But I wanted to write you anyway, because your run was historic and important even without a victory at the end, and I want to honor that even as I start to brace for what may be coming.

It meant so much to me, getting to vote for you. I'm 30 years old, and I was a little girl when you were the First Lady - and, along with my mother, you were one of my models for what a woman could be and do, and for how much a woman could do to change the world. And yes, watching you fight against the forces of cultural conservatism back then was one of my first lessons in sexism, as I began to understand exactly how much resistance powerful women could expect to face as they did their work. Those forces won a battle last night, but they won't win the war - the arc of the universe will bend our way, I know it, if we continue to work hard and uphold the faith.

The women who won us our right to vote faced uncounted setbacks, up to and including violent attacks on their persons, and yet they were victorious in the end. The women of the 1980s and 90s, who fought for the right to wear pants in the workplace and to outlaw sexual harassment faced both losses and victories. So shall we do. One of the little girls who saw you running your exemplary, intelligent, organized, high-minded campaign will be inspired - or one of the little girls who saw you working as First Lady in just the same way - and will try again. Maybe the world will be ready for us by then. I'm sorry, terribly sorry, that it wasn't you, because you would have been brilliant. But our day will come.

Your legacy of decades of tireless work on behalf of women and children stands. Everything you gave us - the hope, the solidarity, the brief shining moment of a utopian vision of a better future where "Madame President" would have been a common utterance - stands. I cast two votes for you, in the primary and in the election, while wearing suffragette white, and no one can take that away from me. Madame Secretary, we have already made history.

Thank You. And I don't accept your apology, because I don't believe you did a single thing wrong.
lotesse: (freedom)
well friends, it looks like we're going to have to take care of each other for a while here. my plan for the day is to do some work, write a letter to HRC telling her that I'm still so thankful for her service and her work, telling her how much it meant for me to be able to vote for a woman for highest office even with this unforseen unfortunate result - and then to start brushing up on the history of the women's underground pre-Roe, because I think we're going to need to set some of that up again pronto, in this brief window when we can still access resources and free avenues of communication.

also I want to figure out how to max my insurance benefits for the next few months, because I don't think this deal is gonna be there for me again for a while. As much dentistry as I can get done, for sure. How many more psych appts do I have fully covered? Gyno exam? I'm not on any long-term meds, so that's not a concern for me, but. I want to hoard up at least one dose of RU-486, but don't know if that's a feasible thing to do.

We don't yet know where the battle lines are going to be drawn; but we're back in the war and no question. I am so heavy with sadness for the people who it's not going to be possible to protect from the consequences of this, but I am also filled with grim determination to salvage whatever can be.
lotesse: (freedom)
I'm trying to see if my understanding of the linkage of these two concepts as it currently stands in the US and the EU is accurate -- any corrections or further thoughts would be super welcome!

Read more... )
lotesse: (Default)
Dear Yuletide author,

'lo there! Thanks so much in advance for writing for me this year!

some introductory chit-chat )

BSG 78 (Apollo, Adama) )

The 10th Kingdom (Wolf, Virginia) )

Chocolat (Anouk, Vianne) )

Indiana Jones (Indy, Marion) )

Thanks again for writing for me this year; I will love any story that you make for me <3
lotesse: (afrofuturist)
This election is turning into the Vorrutyer inheritance plot from A Civil Campaign - Trump has to win, or else the law is going to be free to take him down. And he's not going to win. Between the "charitable giving" and the tax evasion and the non-payment and now apparently the deals with still-under-embargo Cuba, someone is going to have to get something to stick. As it is, I gather the Trump kids are mad about the negative impact dad's campaign is having on business.
lotesse: (imagination)
... how tf is the 1995 Pride and Prejudice a yuletide fandom? P&P fic is its own damn industry, and the characterization from the Firth/Ehle film is imo quite dominant.
lotesse: (starmap)
It is probably not un-connected to the interior work I've been doing the last few weeks that I am also deep into a re-engagement with Madeleine L'Engle, who was my guiding star in childhood and who i have not read for near a decade now. I'm starting with the Murry-O'Keefe stuff, which was always the most important to me, but I maybe have to reread all of it - it's been too long on the Katherine Vigneras books, for sure, and maybe this time around I might like Troubling A Star.

Hard rec on the L'Engle-narrated audiobooks, btw. She has a lovely grandmotherly voice and great readerly affect.

I thought I'd do a post on each of the books, if people want to come talk? And I'm gonna push myself through some of the small fic I've been doing, see if I can successfully put work out sometime here. I miss putting out little fic on a more regular basis, I keep hoarding it all up into these big projects that take forever instead.
lotesse: (Default)
my internet went out @12:30 last night and finally I just gave up and went to bed -- feeling hella discombobulated this morning
lotesse: (Default)
Ok, more about the inner child stuff - I'm gonna write in chronological order, because I don't have another way to make sense of the matter as of yet.

We were doing an exercise. I was answering a sequence of five questions in order to build a picture of myself at the spirit level. The task was to listen to what I knew in my heart and tell the truth. )
lotesse: (Default)
(i don't know why i'm writing any of this; i'm going to post instead of deleting bc i want to be able to look back later and see if i can get a better grip on what's been going on in my head.)

losing/regaining my religion )
lotesse: (Default)
It is too dry and too bright; I would sell my soul just now for a cloudy day
lotesse: (narnia)
Okay, after that introductory blather: I'm working on dealing with my angry inner child.

The woman I'm working with practices shiatsu, but I don't actually know what the lineage of the program we're doing is; we've been talking about Campbell, a bit, some kind of Jungian thing, she's sort of Caroline Myss-y. She helps me protect and elevate a space where I can be honest about the things that I know in my spirit. I like working with her, because she lets me use my own words and images, and I feel like when I tell her no or want to adjust understandings she listens and quickly groks my objections. She praises me for being brave. It's nice.

The last few years, I've been haunted by this sense of my inner child. A lot of the inner-child stuff that's out there is about accepting the child, or forgiving the child, but I've had the opposite problem: I see my child self as a blaze of power, and I'd been feeling like I'd gone and killed her, her pale ghost would show up sometimes to rub my nose in what I'd done. We're angry at me for losing ground to stupid stereotypical enmeshment with a man; we were supposed to be better than that. She's a snob, really, thinks we have to be held to a higher standard.

So at this point I guess I've got help to break through some of the frozen horrified paralysis I'd been experiencing when I'd seen myself as her murderer, and she and I are maybe going to have a bit of a fight now? Hopefully it will be one of those productive ones where things get hashed out, and I'm hoping it will help me understand why I've been experiencing so much self-perpetuating emotional pain.

I will write more about the child's anger, what language she uses and what I think she might really be angry about underneath, later, but this is all I can do for tonight. It's been awfully hot here the last few days, and the north wind didn't roll in last night until after 4 am, so of course I didn't sleep, haven't slept. Starting an essay on A Wizard of Earthsea, which is, you know, apt. Rereading Le Guin's excellent "The Child and the Shadow" first.
lotesse: (narnia)
So I want to write a little bit about what I'm doing for treatment/self-support right now.

I've been seeing a therapist again since February. I've been fine with that, but haven't felt like she gets me/has the toolkits to help me.

I feel like my approach to treatment keeps vacillating depending on whether I'm insisting that he did *so* mistreat me, in which circumstance I look for help for abused women, or whether I'm thinking about my issues as a larger gestalt, in which case I reach for spiritual helpers.

There are two defensive points I (feel like I) need to make. 1) he abused me for nearly a decade, and it was not the case that we were just a couple that both had issues, he was cruel and manipulative and it is not okay that he treated me the way that he did, and it is NOT MY FAULT. 2) The language and approach of energy workers, mediums, and other practitioners of the arts of "woo" are so much more evocative for me that the language and approach of modern psychiatry. This is cultural: it's what I was raised to. I have shame about it, and medico-scientific terminology comes easier to my tongue. But it's not really what I mean. I think "Christian Therapy" is episteme-closing bullshit, but I still respond so much more to my grandparents' religious practices than I have to years of psych work.

I want to speak in my own language, in my own way. I want to be public about who I am and where I come from - and being the medium's granddaughter is a big part of that. So.

I will write more about specifics later; i'm feeling too nervous about everything to go on now. Talking like this makes me feel so terribly exposed; i suppose that means it's important to do
lotesse: (narnia)
I actually really love the "Buffy is torn from heaven" S6 plotline, although it's wound around a lot of Spike/Buffy stuff that I'm sorry just squicks me. Her little descending musical line in OMWF is the best bit of the entire set, and one of the top memorable moments from the show for me. It drives home the truth that grief is not for the one lost but for the ones left; you can tell yourself, as Willow does, that your beloved one somehow needs your distress, but you'll be wrong. The dead are fine; it's the living who suffer pain.
lotesse: (afrofuturist)
keyed right back the fuck up about the "progressive" white dudes who think they own the left, wow.
lotesse: (glamazon)
I fell back into BtVS courtesy of Jenny Trout's watchthrough - I don't know that I'd recommend it though, really, I don't think her analysis is quite smart enough to be worth reading. But she ships Buffy/Giles in a loud, proud, and kinky way that seriously works for me, and I started poking through episodes to find bits she was talking about because her screenshots are all bleeding broken, and then I was in the middle of season 3?

-I like the arc of the whole story best when I'm shipping Buffy/Giles. All other readings are too depressing.

-I am still fucking easy for Angel though, and I don't understand why - after all this time, really? He just does it for me in some idk hindbrainy way. B/A is uncomfortable for me now, though, owing to Ex Issues.

-I don't like s4 on the whole but that is some boss shit it's doing at the end with Frankenstein/parenting issues/Haraway-style cyborgism. Hella fine structural work. Elegant af.

-Joss really does still work for me, in a deep and fundamental way

-although all of a sudden I think Willow is disturbing and creepy as a person, and i'm not at all surprised she skins a dude after a few years tbqh

-wow also Riley's Black Friend is the weakest character in the entire buffyverse, what the hell.

daughter of the sea, oregano's first cousin


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