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[lotesse]

I am coming to realize, more and more, that at this moment in my life, I am who I am and I do what I do. And what I do is interact with the adult subtext of children's fairytales and romances, by which I do not mean grimdarkification, but by which I do mean sexualization.

And I am just not interested in moral defense of that, or even really in literary defense of that; it appears to be what I am, take it or leave it. Been twenty years now, and I'm still doing what I do, maybe at greater length but in no essentially different way.

The gender/sexuality matrices have changed a lot since then; that still surprises me, I didn't realize at the time that I was learning such a fluid body of knowledge, when we were theorizing these things in the 90s. Am I different? Yes -- but also, crucially, no. And fandom is where I locate that essential, self-defining continuity.

Been thinking a lot about fandom, the ephemeral character of the web-based fandom I remember from the early millennium, that now only exists in our various, divergent, shared memories. The urge to archive, the urge to let pass. Mostly I notice how we, I, continue in this space, as so many other things rupture or experience disruption.

Comments

[princessofgeeks]

It's a fascinating community we have here. It continually amazes me.

[lotesse]

I wouldn't give it up for the world!

[oracne]

Have you read WENDY, DARLING by A.C. Wise yet? It's a Peter Pan with adult Wendy, not grimdark, but definitely some psychological horror elements going on as well as interrogation of gender roles and Neverland as a Thing.

[lotesse]

Thanks so much for the rec, I need to read that! I've got a stub of an adult Wendy story sitting around my own back files, it's a rich & juicy area for storytelling ....

[adore]

And what I do is interact with the adult subtext of children's fairytales and romances, by which I do not mean grimdarkification, but by which I do mean sexualization.
The Story of Grandmother made me wonder if I would have been able to protect myself better when I was a child. (Perhaps not.) Likewise, I interact with the sexualisation in fairytales because I think protecting children from sex is different from protecting them from the knowledge of sex. And I wish I was never protected from the knowledge of sex, but I recognise that my point of view is heavily biased by my experience of childhood.

Mostly I notice how we, I, continue in this space, as so many other things rupture or experience disruption.
I'm glad for the continuity in the midst of disruption. <3

[lotesse]

Compassion for your past self <3 I think it's a good thing to try and fashion wisdom out of our experiences, from childhood beyond.

Our childhoods continue to look different as we get older, I find, gathering layers of insight and surprise.

[adore]

Our childhoods continue to look different as we get older, I find, gathering layers of insight and surprise.
Very much this. This reminded me of something I first heard from Raecine Ardis: that healing is not linear. It's a spiral. When old wounds resurface it's not because I failed to heal, but because I'm at a different perspective point on the spiral and ready to lift another layer and heal another aspect. This doesn't only apply to wounds, of course, but any past experience.
It also reminded me to honour all my selves, from my inner child to my teenage self to the me right now. They're all still there, talking to me.