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lotesseSo right now I feel like I should thank, like, the entirety of the Due South fandom. Because y'all are giving me some of the best and most healing reading experiences of my life.
I think that it took me a while to really fall into due South because I was having an interpretation error: I have an impossibly hard time understanding Benton Fraser as anything like a remotely unreliable narrator. He is, but his mindset it just so familiar, so much like my own, that his thoughts feel like my thoughts and I always believe him. Instead of reading him as a sweet but screwed up guy, I'm right there next to him, going: stand your ground, maintain the right, always get your man, love can move mountains, the truth is the most powerful thing there is.
A lot of the pressing issues in my life right now have to do with naivete. I'm a naive person, in my own way - I know, rationally, that the world is not necessarily a good place filled with good people, as any student of social history does, but in my day-to-day life I have a real problem applying that. I tend to assume that everyone acts in perfect good faith. It's what got me in such trouble with my ex. I was genuinely convinced, for a period of at least eight months, that he really didn't realize how much he was hurting me. I assumed that it was a communication error, that I wasn't being clear enough. I ended up physically self-harming because I was trying so hard to show him how much I hurt. And it's been really scary for me, since, because I keep feeling like an idiot for doing that, but at the same time I can't bear to think that people really don't always care about each other, that he knew and chose to keep using me and hurting me anyway. I don't want to think that of him; I don't want to think that of anyone.
I've been noticing similar issues in my academic work. My dissertation advisor is a wonderful scholar who is, in theory, sympathetic to feminist criticism; in practice, though, he keeps talking about the political parts of my project like they're pasted on, when for me they're totally inextricable from the literary interpretations. In my last round of comments, he wrote that my claims should be more modest - and while I truly appreciate the standards of rigor to which he's holding me, somehow that seems like an unfortunate word given the context. But I genuinely hadn't thought of the situation in terms of the gendered power dynamics - senior male professor advising young woman on feminist project - because I expect academia to be the leftist haven they all say it is. I just get miserable and angry at myself for not being perfect. It's only been through talking to feminist colleagues that I've started to apply feminist theory to my own situation. I told one of my cohort mates about the "modest" thing, and she immediately side-eyed it - and all of a sudden I understood why I'd felt sort of uncomfortable and itchy about my advisor's use of it.
My problem, though, is that my naivete is one of the few things I really value about myself. I like that I take people on good faith, and I really do believe that believing in people helps them be good and strong and righteous. (I still kind of don't understand how, even though I believed in my ex as hard as I could, he still failed himself and me so badly.) I really do think that emotional generosity and helpfulness are important things. So, even though I probably really do need to build some shields for myself, since I've been getting really knocked around of late, I'm reluctant to do so. Because losing faith feels like giving up.
You guys can probably see some of the overlaps with Fraser: the desire to trust authority figures, the intensity of feelings of betrayal, the ex issues. I started to realize that I was over-identifying with Fraser on a rewatch of "Victoria's Secret," when I still got smiley and happy and warm when Victoria left Fraser asleep and started washing up even though I knew that she was in the act of screwing him over. I wanted to believe in her so badly that I totally allowed myself to forget what I knew about her character - which is pretty much exactly what Fraser does. It makes sense that I needed you guys to help me figure out how to read the show, because as much as it upholds Fraser's mindset, it spends a lot of time critiquing it as well.
Reading the stories you've all written about these characters has been just inexpressibly lovely. It's been like hugs and warm towels after a hot bath. Because you all love Benton Fraser just the way he is, but also because so much of the fic in this wonderful fandom is about shifting that mindset, observing the ways that it's self-harming and over-determined and sort of nonsensical and also just unnecessary. And somehow watching you all revise him and fix him and love him anyway is the balm in my freaking Gilead. This fandom is doing more for me than therapy, I swear. So, collectively, thank you everyone and anyone involved with due South or the Due South fandom.
I think that it took me a while to really fall into due South because I was having an interpretation error: I have an impossibly hard time understanding Benton Fraser as anything like a remotely unreliable narrator. He is, but his mindset it just so familiar, so much like my own, that his thoughts feel like my thoughts and I always believe him. Instead of reading him as a sweet but screwed up guy, I'm right there next to him, going: stand your ground, maintain the right, always get your man, love can move mountains, the truth is the most powerful thing there is.
A lot of the pressing issues in my life right now have to do with naivete. I'm a naive person, in my own way - I know, rationally, that the world is not necessarily a good place filled with good people, as any student of social history does, but in my day-to-day life I have a real problem applying that. I tend to assume that everyone acts in perfect good faith. It's what got me in such trouble with my ex. I was genuinely convinced, for a period of at least eight months, that he really didn't realize how much he was hurting me. I assumed that it was a communication error, that I wasn't being clear enough. I ended up physically self-harming because I was trying so hard to show him how much I hurt. And it's been really scary for me, since, because I keep feeling like an idiot for doing that, but at the same time I can't bear to think that people really don't always care about each other, that he knew and chose to keep using me and hurting me anyway. I don't want to think that of him; I don't want to think that of anyone.
I've been noticing similar issues in my academic work. My dissertation advisor is a wonderful scholar who is, in theory, sympathetic to feminist criticism; in practice, though, he keeps talking about the political parts of my project like they're pasted on, when for me they're totally inextricable from the literary interpretations. In my last round of comments, he wrote that my claims should be more modest - and while I truly appreciate the standards of rigor to which he's holding me, somehow that seems like an unfortunate word given the context. But I genuinely hadn't thought of the situation in terms of the gendered power dynamics - senior male professor advising young woman on feminist project - because I expect academia to be the leftist haven they all say it is. I just get miserable and angry at myself for not being perfect. It's only been through talking to feminist colleagues that I've started to apply feminist theory to my own situation. I told one of my cohort mates about the "modest" thing, and she immediately side-eyed it - and all of a sudden I understood why I'd felt sort of uncomfortable and itchy about my advisor's use of it.
My problem, though, is that my naivete is one of the few things I really value about myself. I like that I take people on good faith, and I really do believe that believing in people helps them be good and strong and righteous. (I still kind of don't understand how, even though I believed in my ex as hard as I could, he still failed himself and me so badly.) I really do think that emotional generosity and helpfulness are important things. So, even though I probably really do need to build some shields for myself, since I've been getting really knocked around of late, I'm reluctant to do so. Because losing faith feels like giving up.
You guys can probably see some of the overlaps with Fraser: the desire to trust authority figures, the intensity of feelings of betrayal, the ex issues. I started to realize that I was over-identifying with Fraser on a rewatch of "Victoria's Secret," when I still got smiley and happy and warm when Victoria left Fraser asleep and started washing up even though I knew that she was in the act of screwing him over. I wanted to believe in her so badly that I totally allowed myself to forget what I knew about her character - which is pretty much exactly what Fraser does. It makes sense that I needed you guys to help me figure out how to read the show, because as much as it upholds Fraser's mindset, it spends a lot of time critiquing it as well.
Reading the stories you've all written about these characters has been just inexpressibly lovely. It's been like hugs and warm towels after a hot bath. Because you all love Benton Fraser just the way he is, but also because so much of the fic in this wonderful fandom is about shifting that mindset, observing the ways that it's self-harming and over-determined and sort of nonsensical and also just unnecessary. And somehow watching you all revise him and fix him and love him anyway is the balm in my freaking Gilead. This fandom is doing more for me than therapy, I swear. So, collectively, thank you everyone and anyone involved with due South or the Due South fandom.
no subject
Date: 2013-03-07 01:26 am (UTC)Yes to all this. I totally get all this.
And Due South, IMHO, is a great place to work out your issues, because it's such a smart and caring fandom. Just like the source material.
I for one would love hearing any episode reactions you have, recs, impressions, anything. I have fallen so hard for this fandom. I doubt I'll ever write it, but I love reading it. And i"m so glad you have found it resonant for yourself too.
WOW.
dS FTW.
no subject
Date: 2013-03-07 02:19 am (UTC)And I wish you a RayK who will love you as you deserve, honoring your honesty and reciprocating your loyalty.
no subject
Date: 2013-03-07 04:06 am (UTC)On the other hand, I have my mother's upbringing of. "You're a woman in the world and that makes you vulnerable, and nobody's going to take care of you if you don't take care of yourself, and you deserve to take care of yourself" as well--I mean, obviously my family would always back me, but moment-to-moment I don't live in the same state, and I check under my car and in the backseat before getting in, and I lock my doors, and I cross the street if there's a pack of guys walking behind or in front of me on the sidewalk and I get a bad feeling.
I think having that faith is important, but you also have to take in the evidence people have given you. If you accept them on good faith and they repay you with bad, they get maybe one or two chances, and then you have to protect yourself. But applying it when you want to help can be so hard.