safe upon the rock the ugly houses stand

this afternoon I let myself test the heft of the idea of walking away from the university - and as soon as I let myself I felt so good. It reminded me of the morning when my parents asked me if I'd like to never have to go back to elementary school, if I'd like to be homeschooled instead.

There's no one here I'm interested in, is the truth - I don't have a social network outside of the university, but increasingly the people inside the university look strange to me. My undergraduate honors thesis was a joy to write because I was working with two wonderful faculty members, women who inspired me and encouraged me and also helped me out when I was low; I can't think but part of my problem with my dissertation prospectus must be the total lack of collaboration or even intellectual community that I'm feeling here. And maybe, maybe it isn't me - maybe this just isn't the right fit, the right way for me to make and build the things I want to.

they pay me nothing, it's not like it would be hard to scrape up an equivalent amount even just through increased freelance work and maybe some tutoring gigs. And right now the idea of going home north to the big lake, being closer by my mother and grandmother - and my sib moved back north last month, too, after ditching her boyfriend, and I feel like if there's anyone in the world can bring me healing it'd be my sib - it sounds real good. I still have an extensive social network of older friends up north, and with my sib around I'd likely pick up some new ones my same age.

so maybe I ditch out after this semester is over, save up some cash over the summer, and when my lease is up in August I get to wave farewell to B-Town. I'm going to sit with it before I commit to anything, yeah, but ...