safe upon the rock the ugly houses stand

[lotesse]

this afternoon I let myself test the heft of the idea of walking away from the university - and as soon as I let myself I felt so good. It reminded me of the morning when my parents asked me if I'd like to never have to go back to elementary school, if I'd like to be homeschooled instead.

There's no one here I'm interested in, is the truth - I don't have a social network outside of the university, but increasingly the people inside the university look strange to me. My undergraduate honors thesis was a joy to write because I was working with two wonderful faculty members, women who inspired me and encouraged me and also helped me out when I was low; I can't think but part of my problem with my dissertation prospectus must be the total lack of collaboration or even intellectual community that I'm feeling here. And maybe, maybe it isn't me - maybe this just isn't the right fit, the right way for me to make and build the things I want to.

they pay me nothing, it's not like it would be hard to scrape up an equivalent amount even just through increased freelance work and maybe some tutoring gigs. And right now the idea of going home north to the big lake, being closer by my mother and grandmother - and my sib moved back north last month, too, after ditching her boyfriend, and I feel like if there's anyone in the world can bring me healing it'd be my sib - it sounds real good. I still have an extensive social network of older friends up north, and with my sib around I'd likely pick up some new ones my same age.

so maybe I ditch out after this semester is over, save up some cash over the summer, and when my lease is up in August I get to wave farewell to B-Town. I'm going to sit with it before I commit to anything, yeah, but ...

Comments

[starlady]

I have been reading and not saying much, but it sounds to me like leaving may be a very good idea, or at least very much worth considering in depth. It sounds like you don't have any support to speak of, and one thing that's clear to me by this point is that writing a dissertation without your advisor's real support is very difficult. In any case, I am certain that this university is not your only proper path in life.

[lotesse]

that's a good summation of the situation, yeah ... I rewatched the bit of BtVS S5 when B breaks up with the Watchers' Council last night, and I was nodding my head all the way through

I think I've pulled out everything I want from this experience, and I'm getting awfully tired of going round and round and round

[ironed_orchid]

Letting go of my PhD was one of the hardest things I ever did, and yet almost everything improved once I had done it.

I would check your options with the university to see whether if you have a change of heart you can re-enrol.

[zulu]

It's good to be able to feel out a big decision like that. If my supervisor weren't backing me all the way, I wouldn't have much incentive to stay at all. Good luck in thinking it through!

[lavendertook]

I had the same good undergrad honor thesis experience and horrid grad school experience of pressure cooker and lack of real comradery. I drifted away from university at this point, but I still regret not doing the dissertation and getting the PhD, even if I did not go onto the academic job market. I

wish at the point I began the drift, because like you I lacked any interested or emotional support whatsoever, I found another university to continue at and finish. I don't know if it's possible to get another institution to take you at the ABD point, however.

I still think of going back somewhere in the future, but it would undoubtedly mean having to take more classes and qualifying exams again because it's been over a decade now. I wish I had had the ability to investigate moving and transferring back then. Are their any universities close to where your family lives you could investigate?

Also, *hugs*

[anthimeria]

Yeah, it's a good idea to sit for a while on a decision like that, but if you still feel that way in a few months . . . yeah. I agree with everybody up above (up to and including all the contrasting opinions).

I do have to say that for me it was SUCH A RELIEF to leave my mumbledyK-a-year, career&401K-job and go into part-time bookselling retail, even though it knocked my paycheck by half. But my job was actively making me sick and bookselling has its own perks, so.

Good luck.