lotesse: (Default)
I hate dreaming about my ex; I always wake with this terrible burning urge to get back in contact with him, but I won't I won't I won't. He's the problem not the solution. He's the problem not the solution.

I know why I had the dream, though. I was driving home from my sister's at 2:30 last night, and maybe it was because we'd been watching Avatar: The Last Airbender and I was feeling open and forgiving, but passing through the intersection where he and I both went to elementary school, where the highway that curves around the bay connects to the road that leads to both of our parents' homes, I was struck with this massive quantity of remembered tenderness. Enough, I guess, to carry over into my dreams and make me imagine strange and joyful reunions that will never happen.

He was such a big part of my life. I don't know what to do with my memories.
lotesse: (imaginary)
Y'all, I had the most fucked-up dream EVER last night. Am hoping that writing it down my exorcise it; it managed to persist through an interval of wakefulness, and I really don't want it coming back tonight/

The first half was fucked up enough; I dreamed some sort of weird fantasy where things worked out with my Ex, and we were getting married, and everyone was super fucking happy about it, including me. My mother said something to his father like, "we don't have to worry about them do we," not asking but telling, and he was like yeah they'll be fine. And we partied like it was 1999, and then my Ex and I retired to ... I think maybe it was my parents' sailboat on its trailer in the driveway, getting ready for launch? Either way, we were sleeping together in a small space, joking with each other about sharing little teeny beds, reminiscing about the bed in my single dorm room that we actually did share for an entire year. We didn't have sex because I was drunk and tired from dancing all night, but everything was weirdly blissful.

I woke up from that one, looked over at my cat, told her that my head was SCREWED, and fell back asleep - I've been on an insomnia bender for the last five days, and was actively trying to stay asleep and catch myself up. And I fell back into the dream; it was the morning after, and he was gone. Not just gone from bed, but gone. And I was heart-broken. There was a long sequence of dreamtime in which I was too heartbroken to function, and everyone else was moving around me, talking about me, but I couldn't get my voice to work or my body to move. And then the dreamscape shifted - I was up in the maple tree by the kitchen windows, looking in and listening, and inside they were saying that he had died. And then I let go, let myself fall out of the tree, and the driveway had turned into Lake Michigan and I was sinking in the water, willing myself not to float, trying to let myself drown.

And then I woke up.

I'm NOT going to call him and make sure he's safe, I'm not I'm not I'm not. But I really want to.

daughter of the sea, oregano's first cousin


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