hey ma durga rakshamam
May. 1st, 2014 06:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lotesseWell, today was the last day I'll ever have to be on the university campus. Finish grades next week and then, Khattam-Shud.
Feeling strange and reminiscent today. It's May 1st, Beltane, and god now that I look at the numbers it was exactly ten years ago today that I slept with my Ex for the first time. Waiting for Beltane was my idea. three weeks short of my eighteenth birthday his parents went out of town for a while, so we had a place - in my childhood in a house without doors, worth more than rubies. I got up early that morning and walked down to the creek and made myself a flower crown of myrtle and marsh marigolds; he kept it, dried, for a long time, but somewhere in all the moves it got lost. I wore a blue cotton dress that had been one of my favorites, and after that day I could never find it again.
Now that I think about it, I didn't tell anyone about what I was doing, the precedent already present. I couldn't talk to my mother and none of the other girls I knew were even dating, much less binding themselves close to someone the way I was. I went back in my archive here on this journal to see if I'd written about it, but it looks like I started on LiveJournal about three months after. I felt like a grown-up, not just fretting after it but feeling it, and I bet that's part of what made me start up posting in the first place. I felt like I'd finally arrived.
I did a three-card tarot read on Monday, and it was sort of big. Past: major arcana, Strength, upright. Also known as Justice. Affirmation that I've worked hard, I think, and that I've done well by my own lights. Present: the Page of Coins upright, one of the two cards I use as astrological significators for myself (I was moving toward switching Pages for Queens for a while there, but it hasn't felt right of late; the suit of Coins corresponds with the astrological sign of Taurus, but since I'm a Gemini-Taurus cuspid I go back and forth between representing myself with the Page of either Swords or Coins). A diligent and studious youth; good news considering examinations. Future: The Fool, upright.
So, here I am. The Fool asks the question: will I or won't I? Carries few worldly burdens and takes the time to smell the roses.
Feeling strange and reminiscent today. It's May 1st, Beltane, and god now that I look at the numbers it was exactly ten years ago today that I slept with my Ex for the first time. Waiting for Beltane was my idea. three weeks short of my eighteenth birthday his parents went out of town for a while, so we had a place - in my childhood in a house without doors, worth more than rubies. I got up early that morning and walked down to the creek and made myself a flower crown of myrtle and marsh marigolds; he kept it, dried, for a long time, but somewhere in all the moves it got lost. I wore a blue cotton dress that had been one of my favorites, and after that day I could never find it again.
Now that I think about it, I didn't tell anyone about what I was doing, the precedent already present. I couldn't talk to my mother and none of the other girls I knew were even dating, much less binding themselves close to someone the way I was. I went back in my archive here on this journal to see if I'd written about it, but it looks like I started on LiveJournal about three months after. I felt like a grown-up, not just fretting after it but feeling it, and I bet that's part of what made me start up posting in the first place. I felt like I'd finally arrived.
I did a three-card tarot read on Monday, and it was sort of big. Past: major arcana, Strength, upright. Also known as Justice. Affirmation that I've worked hard, I think, and that I've done well by my own lights. Present: the Page of Coins upright, one of the two cards I use as astrological significators for myself (I was moving toward switching Pages for Queens for a while there, but it hasn't felt right of late; the suit of Coins corresponds with the astrological sign of Taurus, but since I'm a Gemini-Taurus cuspid I go back and forth between representing myself with the Page of either Swords or Coins). A diligent and studious youth; good news considering examinations. Future: The Fool, upright.
So, here I am. The Fool asks the question: will I or won't I? Carries few worldly burdens and takes the time to smell the roses.