swallowed by a whale

You know, there's a (damaged) part of me that really does believe in love virginity - except coming from the opposite angle of the sex-negative fundamentalist doctrine Libby Anne discusses at the above. Instead of fearing that I was in danger of losing the purity and intactness of my heart as a younger girl, I now find myself horribly convinced that, having oddly enough played by (most) of the old rules, having committed myself to forever with my first boyfriend & first sex partner but then having had that go all to hell, I've irretrivably lost the valuable commodity of a virgin heart. I no longer have one to offer. And without one I feel resourceless.

I know that's broken logic, but that's how it feels, right now, deep down inside. I am glad to have language for it, though, & will seek to do some patching. It's a way that I feel out of touch with my age cohort, because I keep finding emotional resonance in the words of older divorcees leaving long-term marriages that few of my friends have had the time to build as of yet.

I do wonder where I picked this stuff up in the first place.