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still believe in summer days
Jan. 27th, 2013 03:58 pmIt's sort of weirdly hilarious that apparently everyone I know in fanspace is having the exact same problem that I am - everyone's in input-only mode, reading instead of writing, feeling quiet and disconnected. And we all seem to keep going around apologizing to each other for it! I'm sure some of it is seasonal - it's a sleepy time of year. And I've been extra sleepy, because I guess they weren't kidding about the drowsiness side-effects of my antidepressant. I'm sleeping like a champion, and also having dreams that I'm consciously aware of, which is weird for me. I've never been a big dreamer; I'm sure I have them, because everyone does, but I've always gone dark in sleep, not dreaming or even moving much. Now I'm having - I guess dreams the way most people do, random and weirdly heavy, and it's weird dealing with. Night before last I fell asleep listening to explicit Fraser/RayK porn and dreamed that I had a dick. It was freaking wild.
I'm really falling hard for due South. But interestingly, I really needed the fandom to mediate it. I think I was initially frustrated with the show's, ah, gentleness - I like shows that play hard, emotionally speaking, that go for the big buttons and mash them hard, and dS does this thing that I find really frustrating where it walks up to the big buttons and just sort of tickles them. But, relaxing into it - oh god is it touching some of my major buttons. I'm kind of vibrating back and forth between dS and Slings and Arrows - and oh god and all his angels, Slings and Arrows. I'm so in love with this show. So, so, so in love. I'd heard of it before, but I had a fanbrain fail and somehow thought that it starred David Tennant, and that was why fandom was into it. And I'm not a Who girl, so I thought it was not for me. But oh it is, it feels like it was made for me. The third season in particular - Charles Kingman is so familiar to me, so like my own wonderful brilliant failing actress grandmother, and it feels really good to watch him with Geoffrey, to see that relationship from the outside as well as experiencing it from the inside.
Anyway, I think the antidepressant is doing me good, even if I feel a little over-tranquilized - it's easier for me to work through sleepiness than it was to work through anxiety. I'm getting going on my dissertation prospectus, which is terrifying but it's so nice to be back to writing, making an argument with words. All quiet on the midwestern front.
I'm really falling hard for due South. But interestingly, I really needed the fandom to mediate it. I think I was initially frustrated with the show's, ah, gentleness - I like shows that play hard, emotionally speaking, that go for the big buttons and mash them hard, and dS does this thing that I find really frustrating where it walks up to the big buttons and just sort of tickles them. But, relaxing into it - oh god is it touching some of my major buttons. I'm kind of vibrating back and forth between dS and Slings and Arrows - and oh god and all his angels, Slings and Arrows. I'm so in love with this show. So, so, so in love. I'd heard of it before, but I had a fanbrain fail and somehow thought that it starred David Tennant, and that was why fandom was into it. And I'm not a Who girl, so I thought it was not for me. But oh it is, it feels like it was made for me. The third season in particular - Charles Kingman is so familiar to me, so like my own wonderful brilliant failing actress grandmother, and it feels really good to watch him with Geoffrey, to see that relationship from the outside as well as experiencing it from the inside.
Anyway, I think the antidepressant is doing me good, even if I feel a little over-tranquilized - it's easier for me to work through sleepiness than it was to work through anxiety. I'm getting going on my dissertation prospectus, which is terrifying but it's so nice to be back to writing, making an argument with words. All quiet on the midwestern front.