On Sexuality
Mar. 27th, 2005 12:07 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lotesseI've been thinking about queerness. About what we actually mean by the term "queer."
Queer no longer means homosexual, doesn't just mean BDSM, can apply to non-drag queens. I self-identify as queer. I'm femme to the extreme, submissive but not into being humiliated, and while I've messed around with girls the biggest relationship of my life has been heterosexual, and wonderfully so. So what does it mean when I call myself queer?
If we think about what isn't queer, we're likely to think of being straight. But heterosexuals can be queer.
To me, it all comes down to sellf-awareness. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that we're all queer. Each and every one of us. No two people's sexuality is exactly the same. There is no norm to deviate from, and thus no one can be called "normal." Being queer is the sate of being aware of your body, your desires, and your sexuality, and not being afraid to ask for what you want even if it's not being June Cleaver. Or even if it is. But everything you do has to be a choice.
True straight people are the defaulters. They don't look into themselves, don't question who they are. They just take the roles thrown at them from the television and the glossies and the bilboards and the easy listening songs and pinch and squeeze themselves until they fit. Some people may naturally fit into them, and if they choose to be who they really are after thought and introspection, that's a queer act.
Queer means not being able to pigeonhole anymore. It' means not being able to look at a person and say, "Oh, she's straight." Because if that's who she really, truly is, her own claimed sexuality is quite quite queer. You can't divide out the queers by who's got kids, who lives in the city, who has a dog, who goes to the country club, who's a college student. You can't draw lines among queers.
When I say that I am queer, that means that I have looked into myself and found what gives me pleasure. It means that I make my choices based only on who I am as a person, never because society tells me to. It means that I accept myself, and luxuriate in my own unique desires.
I'd hope that someday we can all be queers.
Queer no longer means homosexual, doesn't just mean BDSM, can apply to non-drag queens. I self-identify as queer. I'm femme to the extreme, submissive but not into being humiliated, and while I've messed around with girls the biggest relationship of my life has been heterosexual, and wonderfully so. So what does it mean when I call myself queer?
If we think about what isn't queer, we're likely to think of being straight. But heterosexuals can be queer.
To me, it all comes down to sellf-awareness. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that we're all queer. Each and every one of us. No two people's sexuality is exactly the same. There is no norm to deviate from, and thus no one can be called "normal." Being queer is the sate of being aware of your body, your desires, and your sexuality, and not being afraid to ask for what you want even if it's not being June Cleaver. Or even if it is. But everything you do has to be a choice.
True straight people are the defaulters. They don't look into themselves, don't question who they are. They just take the roles thrown at them from the television and the glossies and the bilboards and the easy listening songs and pinch and squeeze themselves until they fit. Some people may naturally fit into them, and if they choose to be who they really are after thought and introspection, that's a queer act.
Queer means not being able to pigeonhole anymore. It' means not being able to look at a person and say, "Oh, she's straight." Because if that's who she really, truly is, her own claimed sexuality is quite quite queer. You can't divide out the queers by who's got kids, who lives in the city, who has a dog, who goes to the country club, who's a college student. You can't draw lines among queers.
When I say that I am queer, that means that I have looked into myself and found what gives me pleasure. It means that I make my choices based only on who I am as a person, never because society tells me to. It means that I accept myself, and luxuriate in my own unique desires.
I'd hope that someday we can all be queers.
no subject
Date: 2005-03-27 08:32 pm (UTC)I agree with you about people who label themselves "heterosexual." I mean, I guess I label myself that, but I admit that I check out women. They are beautiful, afterall. Shit, I check out myself sometimes.
no subject
Date: 2005-03-27 11:35 pm (UTC)Do you honestly believe this? Do you honestly believe that most people who consider themselves straight are mundane drones that aren't as beautiful and special as you are? Sexuality isn't something that people necessarily want forced down their throats. So what if someone doesn't make a big deal about it? It doesn't mean they're repressed, it means they have some interests in basic decency. Hey, guess what: maybe the rest of the world doesn't want to know what you do in the bedroom.
Meanwhile, your disrespect for the most basic of nomenclature is appalling. Your argument boils down to "This is me. This is everyone else. I am queer because of this magickal made up definition that, although not actually making sense or anything like that, is me. Look look looka me I'm not like those other boring mundanes."
I know nothing about you, as I found your journal using a random search feature. But from this alone I'd bet the farm that you are one of those fat Wiccan girls who sits in the back and scribbles in Elvish (while occasionally writing fanfiction) in her notebook.
Ugh.
no subject
Date: 2005-03-28 02:20 am (UTC)I was actually thinking of posting something exactly like this on my own journal...it's something I've been thinking about for a long time. I like the word "queer". On one level, it just SOUNDS good, at least to me -- you know, something Quentin Crisp or Oscar Wilde would be. Maybe I grew up reading too much old-fashioned literature, but "queer" somehow got implanted into my head as a word for someone who's odd but not necessarily bad (Bilbo, for instance, that great idol of my childhood, frequently got described as such). It's something I like to think of myself as -- eccentric, different, slighty-off-kilter. Of course, the world always needs those who are different to critique and redefine the normal. I think it would be wonderful to reclaim the word, rather like the ascendency of computers has lead technophiles to reclaim the word 'geek'.
Also, it's convenient shorthand -- it encompasses so many categories. I mean, does my swoony fangirling of people like Hugh Laurie and Anthony Stewart Head disqualify me from the category 'lesbian'? If so, what do I tell people who ask? I'm a girl, who loves being a girl, but also thinks of herself as a gentleman in the old-fashion sense of the word...certainly that doesn't make me transgendered. It makes me queer. A little strange.
It would be wonderful if "queer" could be stripped of its derogatory connotations...and if the word could come to mean something outside of the context of sexuality. I'd be happy if we could encourage people to look for what's different about themselves, in all areas, as well as what's the same.
no subject
Date: 2005-03-28 05:43 pm (UTC)And at any rate, I fail to see how ad hominem attacks do anyone any good.
no subject
Date: 2005-03-28 05:45 pm (UTC)Ha on the troll. I should frame it or something--it's my first.
no subject
Date: 2005-03-28 08:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-28 11:33 pm (UTC)I did read you carefully.
Date: 2005-03-29 03:25 am (UTC)...you actually believe this stuff, don't you? You honestly think that no two people have the exact same sexual tastes?
Meanwhile, you decide to take a poor word ("queer") and abuse it however the hell you like because it fills your fat Wiccan elvish heart with specialness. Your words smack of a ridiculous elitism---oh, I've thought about my sexuality! I'm better!
Guess what: some people don't need to question their sexuality. And some people DEFINITELY don't want to hear about yours.
Meanwhile, ad hominem attacks do plenty of good. They help to further illustrate that you are Wiccan. And fat.
Re: I did read you carefully.
Date: 2005-03-29 05:41 pm (UTC)Therefore, everything that I write here is actually stuff that I believe, by definition. If you disagree with me, please say so and give your reasons. My intent in posting is always to invite dialogue. If I am wrong, I would like to know it, and to know why. So please, tell me your thoughts. They won't be dismissed or devalued, nor will I take undue offense.
I do believe very strong that thought is a good thing. And opinion based on though is, IMO, better than one based on public opinion or instict or what have you. I'm with Socrates on this one--the self-examined life is the only one worth living.
If you would like to respond to me, please do. You are welcome to not share my opinions and to inform me of that. But please, I will request that you hold to some standards of common courtesy. That means no more religious slurs or devaluement of people who have bodies that you don't approve of. Neither "fat" nor "Wiccan" should be used as an insult. Neither will insult or hurt me. And I don't see why you should be interested in doing so, as I have merely put forward a thought.
no subject
Date: 2005-03-29 07:36 pm (UTC)Here's a proposition: heterosexual sex is the norm. Anything else is a deviation from this norm and is, in my personal opinion, wrong. Now I know you'll have a field day telling me I'm ARGLEBLARGH REPRESSED EEEVIL XTIAN, which I'm not, but such is life. Meanwhile, you've taken the word "queer" and decided that you can apply it to any old thing you want, even though words do have set definitions (gasp!). No matter what else you say, as a grammarian I simply cannot abide by that. That is your most grievous error. If you want to invent a new word to classify people that are better than other people, go for it. But don't abuse an existing one.
Wicca is not a religion. Wicca is a made-up mishmash of ridiculous precepts invented in 1950 that has no link to any forms of traditional paganism or witchcraft. If you don't find being called "Wiccan" an insult, I highly suggest you join me on planet Earth for a well-needed reality check.
Fun Experiment You Can Do From Home: Go up to anyone and say "I'm a Wiccan". They will either stare at you or bust out laughing, I guarantee it.
no subject
Date: 2005-03-29 09:09 pm (UTC)I, like many other people, use the word "queer" to mean deviation from the norm. The way I see it, there is no norm and we are all unique combinations of various factors. The way you see it, anything not straight is deviant. The word can be applied to both viewpoints with grammatical correctness. You just have a fundamentally different view of human sexuality than I do. It would've been nice if you could have addressed that difference right off the bat in a civilized way, instead of ranting.
On Wicca: I'm not a Wiccan, and I do have very serious doubts about it. I think that, while I'm not willing to say that the entire thing is bunk, certianly almost all the ways in which it's practiced are. There are a lot of teenies going for it for the shock value and nothing else. However, I'd have to do a lot more research before I'd feel comfortable dismissing it as totally as you do. And I really don't feel that it would be appropriate for me to publically lambast someome's religion, especially if they're not doing anything to disrupt my life. And I would not be comfortable with using someone's belief system to score a cheap and casual insult.
You seem to feel that I've done something very similar with sexuality, but I've not said that any one lifestyle is wrong, stupid, or mock-worthy. I've just said that I believe we should think about these things for ourselves, and that it is my belief that when we do that we'll find that sexuality is myriad. I very carefully worded this is such a way so as to not hurt or offend anyone who isn't gay or kinky, because I have problems with the way that alternative cultures can sometimes develop a "more alternative than thou" complex, and I don't want to put anyone down.
BTW, thanks for dropping the personal attacks.
no subject
Date: 2005-03-29 09:40 pm (UTC)Meanwhile, until I see a Wiccan bring a baby out of a burning building, I am going to continue to dismiss it as an utterly unworthy waste of space.
no subject
Date: 2005-03-29 10:16 pm (UTC)I guess that, for me, what it really comes down to is that there's no real need for the diss. There are plenty of other ways of impugning someone else's intelligence and character without lashing out at huge groups of people. Hey, "idiot" works just fine.
no subject
Date: 2005-03-31 06:37 pm (UTC)I said it before, and I'll say it again: Wiccans---all of them---are worthless. Too general? Too callous? If you think Wicca is anything other than pure bullshit with a sprinkling of delusion on top, you obviously don't know anything about it.