the kind of girl who'll smash herself down

Today I feel like I just want to watch the world burn. I woke up odd and I just can't bring myself to give a shit about anything. Possibly because I had a really emotionally painful day yesterday? I talked to the Baby yesterday about breaking up with my ex - we hadn't ever talked about what happened, and the last time I lived out here on the farm with him I had a boyfriend attached, and the Baby doesn't have a lot of grown-up men in his life, and I just - I've always confessed stuff to kids, idk. And then yesterday I had therapy and it was hard and it hurt and I came home and cried way too hard.

I also really need to figure out my deal with food. So many of the resources I've been looking to for brain/mood management talk about food as a solution, but I tend to intuitively go the Sherlock Holmes route, and feel like I cannot spare the nerve-force for digestion when busy or in distress. I eat when I feel safe, when I feel finished, when I feel good about myself. If I don't feel safe or good, or am not finished, I just won't eat. It doesn't help that I often experience lowgrade-to-middling nausea. (Dr. Guo says that nausea is caused by qi flowing up instead of down, and that it makes sense that my qi would be doing that, because brainwork pulls qi upward.)

I think maybe I will let myself not give a shit for a day or two. It might not be a bad thing for me to stop trying so hard to always be good. If I haven't regained my drive and interest by the end of the weekend, I can do something about it then. But maybe this is my system's way of informing me that I need to take a break and let off the internal pressure again.

I hope so, because I desperately miss my enthusiasm.

Also, fuck the Supreme Court and their failure to attend to the lessons of history in re: The Voting Rights Act and their evisceration thereof.

whenever the moon and stars are set, whenever the wind is high

It's storming again tonight, and I feel so much better! I didn't think we could be gearing up for another one, we've had so much rain this week - I was without power for about six hours last night due to thunderstorms. But all of a sudden this crisp cool wild wind came blowing in at my bedroom windows, and I ran outside to look and there were big dark clouds rolling up across the field.

I think I need to start tracking barometric pressure more actively! It seems like about a quarter of the time I feel scrowly and awful and can't think why it's down to reproductive hormones, and the rest is due to building storms that haven't broken yet. I love the way storms feel, though, the sharp clear scent of them, and the way they make the sky feel so very tall. Feels like getting my scalp scritched, somehow, scratching out the snarls in my brains.