whan that Aprill with his shoures sote

Oh my god, how irritated am I. The world conspires to keep me from thee, sweet internets.

I got my computer fixed, but the only way they could get me hooked up to an entire new user account on my laptop. Farewell, oh my labyrinthine organizational systems. Farewell, my playlists. So that’s been a bitch.

And now the wireless connection is super-weak, and I can’t get hooked up in my dorm room. I can either go sit out in the hall (uncomfortable) or use my boyfriend’s laptop (icky pc). But no more bitching.

I’m in an odd space with classwork right now. I’m working on some weird shit—the Canterbury Tales and Tennyson at the moment. They go together strangely and I almost feel like I’m not quite real, like I’m lost in some archaic dreamspace of knights and drowned girls and pagan gods. It makes it a little bit hard to focus.

Supernatural tonight—and I’ve been thinking about Sam/Ava. I’m totally in to this Sam having a girl business, where I was deeply depressed by Jo-as-Dean’s-girl. I’ve been thinking about it—it’s not that I like Ava better than Jo, necessarily, but that a Sam romance strikes me as much more shiny than a Dean romance.

Girls are a big part of Sam’s baggage right now.Jess died on the ceiling (because of him). He’s got Major Issues about loving another girl—he’s got to. First, betraying Jess’ memory. How can he love again when she’ll never even get to breathe (because of him)? Survivor’s guilt, and just plain regular guilt, and a lot of love and sorrow.

And then second, protection. He’s got to be pretty panicky about what happens to the women who love him. They have this distressing tendency to die.

So. Introducing a new love into Sammy’s life is going to make it all much more complicated in a shiny twisty good good way. But Dean’s baggage is maybe sort of the opposite—his angst is that he’s got to move on, can’t catch feelings, nothing can ever last. He’s the lone wolf, and his sorrow and his self are one and the same, the solitary wanderer, the loneliness of power/knowledge/responsibility. Allowing him to develop a stable relationship with a girl who’s also a child of hunters, who knows and understands and gets it—that’s going to fix him up, not twist him out.

And I want the brokenness of this show. That’s what keeps me coming—that it keeps going to these fabulously dark angsty places. Sammy having somebody will open up new dark paths, but a Dean-Jo romance would only straighten the paths.

I’m a bad person oh my god.

It's all snowfull and soft outside, and the trees are still covered in these gorgeous cases of ices. So very quiet. Lovely.