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I have a post with real content waiting on my laptop back home,
but being at the university right now, I'm just popping on to wail and vent and try to regain my composure. I'm having a terrible horrible no good very bad day.
I'm still in the middle of moving, so everything's chaotic and weird. Walking my aunt's dogs this morning - god, you guys, I don't even like dogs - they lunge after a skunk that's been hanging out in the barn and I fall on my ass and they get totally skunked. I wash them down with vinegar and leave them in their pen for the day and try to get on with things.
It's been one of those heavy brooding thunderstormy days, and that always makes me antsy and anxious and a little nauseous and headachey. Added to, my new meds have been messing with my digestion pretty badly; as of right now, today I have eaten some plain spinach and a peach.
All of this culminates in the following scene: hot, tired, and harassed, I put my bag down on the hood of my car while I load in my groceries. I was thinking about grocery bags, because I needed to leave cold stuff in my old apartment fridge during class. And I totally drove off without retrieving my bag. I made it about six blocks before I realized my mistake, went back to the grocery parking lot, and found it gone. Went into the store, they hadn't seen it. Then I sat in my car and cried embarrassingly hard and felt worthless and like I just ought to kill myself already and do the rest of humanity a favor.
It had actually fallen off by one of the neighboring apartment complexes, and it's been found. They called my mama, who emailed me. I nipped in before class to send an email of desperate self-loathing and upset, and so got the message. I still feel sick. I feel like I need to do something to expiate my shame. But in lieu of that, well, I guess I'll go to class and try not to break down in front of everyone. I wish I had more equanimity in the face of this sort of thing. It's so terribly easy for me to fall down a pit.
I'm still in the middle of moving, so everything's chaotic and weird. Walking my aunt's dogs this morning - god, you guys, I don't even like dogs - they lunge after a skunk that's been hanging out in the barn and I fall on my ass and they get totally skunked. I wash them down with vinegar and leave them in their pen for the day and try to get on with things.
It's been one of those heavy brooding thunderstormy days, and that always makes me antsy and anxious and a little nauseous and headachey. Added to, my new meds have been messing with my digestion pretty badly; as of right now, today I have eaten some plain spinach and a peach.
All of this culminates in the following scene: hot, tired, and harassed, I put my bag down on the hood of my car while I load in my groceries. I was thinking about grocery bags, because I needed to leave cold stuff in my old apartment fridge during class. And I totally drove off without retrieving my bag. I made it about six blocks before I realized my mistake, went back to the grocery parking lot, and found it gone. Went into the store, they hadn't seen it. Then I sat in my car and cried embarrassingly hard and felt worthless and like I just ought to kill myself already and do the rest of humanity a favor.
It had actually fallen off by one of the neighboring apartment complexes, and it's been found. They called my mama, who emailed me. I nipped in before class to send an email of desperate self-loathing and upset, and so got the message. I still feel sick. I feel like I need to do something to expiate my shame. But in lieu of that, well, I guess I'll go to class and try not to break down in front of everyone. I wish I had more equanimity in the face of this sort of thing. It's so terribly easy for me to fall down a pit.
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Also, I'll share a secret. I don't much like dogs either, especially stoopid skunky dogs.
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