lotesse: (freedom)
well friends, it looks like we're going to have to take care of each other for a while here. my plan for the day is to do some work, write a letter to HRC telling her that I'm still so thankful for her service and her work, telling her how much it meant for me to be able to vote for a woman for highest office even with this unforseen unfortunate result - and then to start brushing up on the history of the women's underground pre-Roe, because I think we're going to need to set some of that up again pronto, in this brief window when we can still access resources and free avenues of communication.

also I want to figure out how to max my insurance benefits for the next few months, because I don't think this deal is gonna be there for me again for a while. As much dentistry as I can get done, for sure. How many more psych appts do I have fully covered? Gyno exam? I'm not on any long-term meds, so that's not a concern for me, but. I want to hoard up at least one dose of RU-486, but don't know if that's a feasible thing to do.

We don't yet know where the battle lines are going to be drawn; but we're back in the war and no question. I am so heavy with sadness for the people who it's not going to be possible to protect from the consequences of this, but I am also filled with grim determination to salvage whatever can be.
lotesse: (freedom)
I'm trying to see if my understanding of the linkage of these two concepts as it currently stands in the US and the EU is accurate -- any corrections or further thoughts would be super welcome!

Read more... )
lotesse: (Default)
Dear Yuletide author,

'lo there! Thanks so much in advance for writing for me this year!

some introductory chit-chat )

BSG 78 (Apollo, Adama) )

The 10th Kingdom (Wolf, Virginia) )

Chocolat (Anouk, Vianne) )

Indiana Jones (Indy, Marion) )

Thanks again for writing for me this year; I will love any story that you make for me <3
lotesse: (afrofuturist)
This election is turning into the Vorrutyer inheritance plot from A Civil Campaign - Trump has to win, or else the law is going to be free to take him down. And he's not going to win. Between the "charitable giving" and the tax evasion and the non-payment and now apparently the deals with still-under-embargo Cuba, someone is going to have to get something to stick. As it is, I gather the Trump kids are mad about the negative impact dad's campaign is having on business.
lotesse: (imagination)
... how tf is the 1995 Pride and Prejudice a yuletide fandom? P&P fic is its own damn industry, and the characterization from the Firth/Ehle film is imo quite dominant.
lotesse: (starmap)
It is probably not un-connected to the interior work I've been doing the last few weeks that I am also deep into a re-engagement with Madeleine L'Engle, who was my guiding star in childhood and who i have not read for near a decade now. I'm starting with the Murry-O'Keefe stuff, which was always the most important to me, but I maybe have to reread all of it - it's been too long on the Katherine Vigneras books, for sure, and maybe this time around I might like Troubling A Star.

Hard rec on the L'Engle-narrated audiobooks, btw. She has a lovely grandmotherly voice and great readerly affect.

I thought I'd do a post on each of the books, if people want to come talk? And I'm gonna push myself through some of the small fic I've been doing, see if I can successfully put work out sometime here. I miss putting out little fic on a more regular basis, I keep hoarding it all up into these big projects that take forever instead.
lotesse: (Default)
my internet went out @12:30 last night and finally I just gave up and went to bed -- feeling hella discombobulated this morning
lotesse: (Default)
Ok, more about the inner child stuff - I'm gonna write in chronological order, because I don't have another way to make sense of the matter as of yet.

We were doing an exercise. I was answering a sequence of five questions in order to build a picture of myself at the spirit level. The task was to listen to what I knew in my heart and tell the truth. )
lotesse: (Default)
(i don't know why i'm writing any of this; i'm going to post instead of deleting bc i want to be able to look back later and see if i can get a better grip on what's been going on in my head.)

losing/regaining my religion )
lotesse: (Default)
It is too dry and too bright; I would sell my soul just now for a cloudy day
lotesse: (narnia)
Okay, after that introductory blather: I'm working on dealing with my angry inner child.

The woman I'm working with practices shiatsu, but I don't actually know what the lineage of the program we're doing is; we've been talking about Campbell, a bit, some kind of Jungian thing, she's sort of Caroline Myss-y. She helps me protect and elevate a space where I can be honest about the things that I know in my spirit. I like working with her, because she lets me use my own words and images, and I feel like when I tell her no or want to adjust understandings she listens and quickly groks my objections. She praises me for being brave. It's nice.

The last few years, I've been haunted by this sense of my inner child. A lot of the inner-child stuff that's out there is about accepting the child, or forgiving the child, but I've had the opposite problem: I see my child self as a blaze of power, and I'd been feeling like I'd gone and killed her, her pale ghost would show up sometimes to rub my nose in what I'd done. We're angry at me for losing ground to stupid stereotypical enmeshment with a man; we were supposed to be better than that. She's a snob, really, thinks we have to be held to a higher standard.

So at this point I guess I've got help to break through some of the frozen horrified paralysis I'd been experiencing when I'd seen myself as her murderer, and she and I are maybe going to have a bit of a fight now? Hopefully it will be one of those productive ones where things get hashed out, and I'm hoping it will help me understand why I've been experiencing so much self-perpetuating emotional pain.

I will write more about the child's anger, what language she uses and what I think she might really be angry about underneath, later, but this is all I can do for tonight. It's been awfully hot here the last few days, and the north wind didn't roll in last night until after 4 am, so of course I didn't sleep, haven't slept. Starting an essay on A Wizard of Earthsea, which is, you know, apt. Rereading Le Guin's excellent "The Child and the Shadow" first.
lotesse: (narnia)
So I want to write a little bit about what I'm doing for treatment/self-support right now.

I've been seeing a therapist again since February. I've been fine with that, but haven't felt like she gets me/has the toolkits to help me.

I feel like my approach to treatment keeps vacillating depending on whether I'm insisting that he did *so* mistreat me, in which circumstance I look for help for abused women, or whether I'm thinking about my issues as a larger gestalt, in which case I reach for spiritual helpers.

There are two defensive points I (feel like I) need to make. 1) he abused me for nearly a decade, and it was not the case that we were just a couple that both had issues, he was cruel and manipulative and it is not okay that he treated me the way that he did, and it is NOT MY FAULT. 2) The language and approach of energy workers, mediums, and other practitioners of the arts of "woo" are so much more evocative for me that the language and approach of modern psychiatry. This is cultural: it's what I was raised to. I have shame about it, and medico-scientific terminology comes easier to my tongue. But it's not really what I mean. I think "Christian Therapy" is episteme-closing bullshit, but I still respond so much more to my grandparents' religious practices than I have to years of psych work.

I want to speak in my own language, in my own way. I want to be public about who I am and where I come from - and being the medium's granddaughter is a big part of that. So.

I will write more about specifics later; i'm feeling too nervous about everything to go on now. Talking like this makes me feel so terribly exposed; i suppose that means it's important to do
lotesse: (narnia)
I actually really love the "Buffy is torn from heaven" S6 plotline, although it's wound around a lot of Spike/Buffy stuff that I'm sorry just squicks me. Her little descending musical line in OMWF is the best bit of the entire set, and one of the top memorable moments from the show for me. It drives home the truth that grief is not for the one lost but for the ones left; you can tell yourself, as Willow does, that your beloved one somehow needs your distress, but you'll be wrong. The dead are fine; it's the living who suffer pain.
lotesse: (afrofuturist)
keyed right back the fuck up about the "progressive" white dudes who think they own the left, wow.
lotesse: (glamazon)
I fell back into BtVS courtesy of Jenny Trout's watchthrough - I don't know that I'd recommend it though, really, I don't think her analysis is quite smart enough to be worth reading. But she ships Buffy/Giles in a loud, proud, and kinky way that seriously works for me, and I started poking through episodes to find bits she was talking about because her screenshots are all bleeding broken, and then I was in the middle of season 3?

-I like the arc of the whole story best when I'm shipping Buffy/Giles. All other readings are too depressing.

-I am still fucking easy for Angel though, and I don't understand why - after all this time, really? He just does it for me in some idk hindbrainy way. B/A is uncomfortable for me now, though, owing to Ex Issues.

-I don't like s4 on the whole but that is some boss shit it's doing at the end with Frankenstein/parenting issues/Haraway-style cyborgism. Hella fine structural work. Elegant af.

-Joss really does still work for me, in a deep and fundamental way

-although all of a sudden I think Willow is disturbing and creepy as a person, and i'm not at all surprised she skins a dude after a few years tbqh

-wow also Riley's Black Friend is the weakest character in the entire buffyverse, what the hell.
lotesse: (starmap)
Writing is hard for me right now. Critical writing, I mean, not creative - I'm working right now, not playing, I don't have enough words in me to do both. But I'm doing it. It means putting down my wraps of protective fuzziness and breaking out my brain. It feels like jousting, single combat, one-on-one with my brainweasels. I ... think? it is a good thing that this is what I am trying to do for a living. I think. It feels like victory each time I send work in - although then of course the revisions do come back!

Working on C.S. Lewis, this week; heart grant me patience with the dear idiot.
lotesse: (fma)
stg i just bout had an orgasm when jon stewart took the desk on the late show - come baaaaaack, jon, i need you in my life, you are my only one, light of my life, desire of my loins, hope of my heart

huggn on stephen is a good thing too. and whatever yall were doing with the under-the-desk gags, that can stay

i miss them so much
lotesse: (ham)
I'm sorry I just really fucking hate wikileaks
lotesse: (freedom)
In the last two days, the white-woman-in-peril racial melodrama of the Taylor Swift/Kanye West beef has re-ignited thanks to Kimmy K, and Melania Trump gave Michelle Obama's 2008 convention speech. The timing is coincidental but nevertheless illuminating. I've seen both events dismissed in similar ways, as (pardon the pun) trumped-up scandals, low gossip that distracts from important current discussions.

This is bull. These are the important things: who makes culture, and who is acknowledged for it. Melania and Taylor are conventionally-attractive white women who have made a bargain with white supremacy to be cool (stealing from Black culture) without being too, you know, ghetto. But they use Black culture on their way up, maintaining plausible deniability by "leaning in" to superficial narratives of female empowerment. They are protected by their ability to present white female success; tearing them down "looks bad," is "trashy" and "low."

White supremacy relies on the lie that it has never needed the global south, while it plunders the global south for resources, workers, ideas, and culture. Look at the delusional state of affairs in Little Britain - as if one rainy island on its own could have produced Anglophone culture, without being enriched by colonies from around the world! Michelle Obama is a descendant of Black slaves whose lives were stolen; her words, now, it's her story, her triumph. Hear them saying that her words don't matter, that they're just a string of conventional platitudes that anyone might articulate, as if she was not every bit as much a powerhouse speaker as her husband? The true value of her speech is obvious; if it hadn't been good, they wouldn't have plagiarized and applauded it. But by talking it down after the fact they seek to hide the theft, as if it ain't no thing, just pop culture, just gossip, candidates-wife stuff.

daughter of the sea, oregano's first cousin


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