24 Apr 2017

lotesse: (Default)
I turn 31 next month, and this past year a lot of things I've wanted have shown up for me. Honestly, if I have one wish for this summer it's that I be able to enjoy them -- I'm still a wee bit shaken by the changes right now, tbh, and working to deal with worries about bad times coming round again.

Work first, then love -- work is good, I'm getting heavy praise for honestly not that much effort?? I met with an old family friend who works on freshwater conservation this afternoon, I guess he needs a writer in a hurry? So maybe this summer will be MBA work and writing for them, and perhaps I won't do any academic/literary writing at all, or not so much. I'm really okay with that -- it's been good for me, transitionally, but the industry that runs parallel to the academic humanities seems infected with the same sickness that's imo overrunning academia -- the pay is shit, the treatment is shit, there's no stability, and it's acceptable to work your people hard without having their backs on anything. Two years ago, it felt important to keep my hand in, keep up on scholarship. Now? Fuckem.

Love. Love is good. Not effortless, and not perfect -- but it's kind of an amazing feeling, learning how to trust someone to have my back like this. I was never this vulnerable with my ex, never as open about my needs, and my god, it's really something, innit, this mutual support gig?

I'm feeling comfortable moving on milestones that I never wanted to share with my ex, even though it hasn't been so very long -- discussed sharing the main body of finances today, getting a joint acct together, and lord but that's something I never ever ever wanted to do with S. I'm not worried in the same way about D. spending out my money selfishly, because seeing me provided for is genuinely important to him -- in fact, I think he's going to be able to help me learn to spend money on myself, which is something I've never got the hang off. I've a pair of new shoes and two new dresses this spring, and am going out in pursuit of a new swimsuit as soon as my period's over -- and it's lovely nice to have new things as needed, really it is.

April was scary for me, because I was medically and financially -- and emotionally -- in a needier place than I had been over the winter, and it was frightening to subject the relationship to the test that S. failed so abjectly -- could I still have worth when not able to play Lady Bountiful? But I needn't have worried.

We're going camping this weekend, for the 1st -- it's just starting to be warm enough to sleep out, here, and he's been asking for a chance to convince me that his method will render sleeping out comfortable enough to make it nice to do. I'm willing to take it on faith.

daughter of the sea, oregano's first cousin

tags

expand cut tags

No cut tags

style